Updated: Jan 30
Does sexual compatibility even exist? In today’s world, it’s normal to come across different people who prioritize physical, emotional, financial, or intellectual compatibility over anything else. The truth is, there are other compatibility types to consider when deciding if a person is right for you in a healthy, romantic relationship. One such type is sexual compatibility. And yes, it does exist.
What is sexual compatibility?
Although there are a lot of misconceptions surrounding this concept, the importance of sexual compatibility can never be over-emphasized. Contrary to what some might think, sexual compatibility doesn’t mean that partners must have the same flow of sexual desires and urges. Nor does sexual compatibility mean that partners must share the same kinks, fetishes, or fantasies.
Sexual compatibility is more about individuals striving to attain some sort of balance in their sexual lives with their partners despite their differences. One could say it’s a process where our sexual desires and urges, as well as our libido, are in sync with that of our partners.
What’s sex without your ability to explore?
Of course, just like we want our partners to share our life goals and passions, it is disastrous if one's sexual cravings aren't known or addressed. This might trigger unresolved conflicts and unsatisfied needs outside of the bedroom. For instance, imagine a partner who enjoys role-playing, spanking, sex toys, and a variety of other kinks settling down with pure vanilla who isn’t aware of their partner’s need. Or maybe one who is aware of the partner’s sexual needs but is not invested enough, or willing to place their partner's sexual desires over their own. Ouch.
Getting on with a partner who is at least willing to explore some of your sexual kinks, fantasies, and curiosities is the ideal situation for a satisfying sexual life. Being able to explore your sexual fantasies and those of your partner without shyness or reservation can be the first step to achieving sexual liberation. Perhaps if your partner is interested in exploring something that’s totally off your radar, you can try to reach a compromise. Ideally, partnered sex (as opposed to solo sex) is meant to be pleasurable to all involved parties, so that both of you can achieve sexual satisfaction and a strong sexual bond.
The blessing in being queer…
It is not surprising that a lack of sexual compatibility can make it that much more difficult for women and people with vulvas to achieve orgasm during sex. Now, the question is, have you ever wondered if some lesbian or bisexual women seem to have less difficulty achieving orgasm with their same-sex partners than they did when with men in heterosexual sexual relationships? A study in 2017 of 53,000 Americans by the Kinsey Institute found that lesbians reported reaching climax 86% of the time during sex, compared to the 65% for straight women. It's hard to know what these numbers mean concretely--But could it be that LGBTQ+ folks simply pay more attention to sexual compatibility than straight people do?
How to know that you're sexually compatible with your partner
There’s only one answer for ascertaining sexual compatibility between partners. That is the eagerness and readiness to explore each others’ sexual fantasies without reservation. How does one do this--through effective communication.
There will probably always be disparities in sexual desires. Working up the courage to talk about your sexual desires and wants can be difficult. But the alternative is mediocre sex, at best, and who wants that? One might love deep-throat kisses, but their partner might find that appalling. Another might love BDSM, but their partner may be leery of using ropes and chains in the bedroom. This is where effective communication and some willingness to try new things in the bedroom can help you embrace your and your partner's sexual desires and kinks, or at least create a balance that will help keep things spicy.
Sexual compatibility may not be the key to having a thriving relationship, but it is the key to having a sexually successful one. It makes relationships even better, sexier, more fulfilling, and long-lasting.